A Birthday Party, Before A Funeral...

“It was the worst day of the Little Family’s life – the day that Kate’s spirit left her little body.  As they gathered together, Carson, Karlee, Mommy and Daddy cried big tears, and held each other tight.  The Little Family felt as if their hearts were broken – and that they would never feel like smiling again.   Each of them hurt in their own way.  And each of them, Mommy, Daddy, Carson and Karlee, had to find what made their hearts feel better.  Each had to find their smile again…”  

- Taken from “The Little Family Who Lost Their Smiles”   (a book I wrote for my family a few years ago.)

Kate's First Birthday Without Her  - October 2009

The "year of firsts" is definitely the hardest. From the first night without her to all the first holidays without her and everything in between.  It doesn't seem fair that one of our hardest “firsts” came only 3 days after we lost Katelyn. Her birthday. (No way, right?)  It seems unreal looking back.  I honestly don't know how we did it.  We planned her birthday party before we even planned her funeral. 

Why were we having a 3 year old birthday party for her when she didn’t even live to see it?  She wasn’t here to blow out candles.  She wasn’t here to sing Happy Birthday to.  She couldn’t open any cards or presents.  Why would we have a party for her?  To some outsiders looking in, it didn’t make sense.   Some even thought it would be much too painful to try to celebrate when we were still in shock and mourning her loss.    Why would we make ourselves go through the motions when we really didn’t have to?

Why?  The answer was simple for me:  Because my almost-3 year old daughter already had everything planned. From the cake to the guests, she had unknowingly planned her own celebration of life.  She had discussed it with me in detail the week prior and I had promised her a Dora the Explorer cake.  I had to keep my promise.  I had to go thru with this celebration in her honor.  But also, I felt I needed to do this, for everyone – not just Katelyn. 

Kate has so many little cousins who love her.  Many were her same age and too little to go to her viewing and funeral.  I hoped this birthday party, (celebration of life) would be good for them, and for my children.  They all needed to know it was still okay to smile, to laugh, and to play.  They needed a break from such a sad time - they needed permission to be children.  This is what I felt Katelyn would want for us – to throw a party in memory of her.  It seemed right for all these little cousins, to celebrate a Happy Birthday, rather than mourn a funeral.

The day before Kate’s birthday, (October 5^th)  my sweet sister-in-law, Monica volunteered to take on this endearing yet emotional task with me.  She included my 6 year old Karlee and they (along with her daughter Hallie, a close cousin and friend to Karlee) made all the arrangements together; they passed out invites, picked up a Dora cake, Tinkerbelle napkins and plates, etc....   It was a good thing for Karlee to be involved with -  it helped take her mind off the shock and sadness of what just happened a couple days prior.  I was so grateful to Monica for her willingness to put this together.  This party was healthy for Karlee.  It gave her something else to focus on.  Plus, it was an act of service for Karlee to do this for her little sister, and it made her happy.   I was so proud of her, my Karlee.

(Now, I am going to share with you what I wrote in my journal on Katelyn’s birthday…)

October 6^th, 2009

Today the baby woke me up very early and I was grateful because I knew it was 3 years ago from this early morning, when I was in labor with Katelyn.  After I put Kortney back down to sleep, I had some quiet moments to myself to remember that beautiful day when Katelyn was first placed in my arms.  I was happy to have that time to reflect on her beautiful short life, and how it was such a gift to me.  I looked through her scrapbook (which I had recently put together) of her first 2 years.  The timeliness of this scrapbook was a blessing, because right now we had it as a beautiful tribute to her life.  

Soon my mom came upstairs from the guestroom (my folks are staying in town with us for a time, just to be close to me, whenever I may need them.  Bless their hearts.)  My mom joined me on the couch in the front room.  We had a beautiful talk about Katelyn.  We shared hugs, and tears, and joy in remembrance of her.  I watched the clock until her birth minute (exactly 7:30 am).  It was a sacred moment for me.  And I whispered, “I love you Katelyn.”

The whole day was beautiful.  I felt her close all day.  For whatever reason, the veil is very thin right now, and I am enjoying the special spirit that is in our home.  I don’t want to offend this spirit in any way.  It brings me peace when I can feel heaven near.  Soft lullabies and Primary music have been playing throughout the whole house – most of these songs are Katelyn’s favorites.  (Like “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”, by Jewel.  Also “Baby Mine” by Alison Krauss, which I used to sing to Katelyn when I rocked her to sleep as a babe.)  Music is so soothing to my soul right now.  I have it playing constantly.

Before Katelyn’s birthday party, I needed to rest.  I climbed into Katelyn’s little bed downstairs and tried to catch up on the sleep I missed early this morning.  Sleep wasn’t really possible, but I rested real deeply for an hour.  Then I had a good stretch, sat up in her bed, and took a glance towards the window.  The first thing I saw was a decorative sign on the window ledge that read:  “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!”    (That’s so very Katelyn!) I had to smile, and I said aloud,  “Okay Sis!  Let’s go have a party!”

I rushed upstairs and started pulling out all her favorite toys that I knew she’d want to share with her cousins. Then I asked my dad if there was time to run down to the Hallmark store to pick out a birthday card, and he wanted to take me and get one too.  Carson and Scott had already left to go pick out their cards and a couple gifts.  (Which was so sweet - Scott wanted to get her a doll.  He has never bought a doll in his life!  This was so dear. )  He came home with a soft “Dora” doll that smelled like strawberries.  Perfect!  He took it out of the box and let baby Kortney smell it and love on it.  She was happy for Kate’s gift.

Carson picked out a little red toy motorcycle (he and Kate LOVED motorcycles - mostly real ones!)  His intention was to leave it for her at a later time, but I suggested that he take it out of its box and play with it now.     I said that she would want him to have fun with it first, anyway.   He loved this idea. He seemed grateful for the permission to play, and  I could see it lifted a load from his shoulders.  I watched him play with that little motorcycle… I knew Katelyn was happy to see her brother happy.

One of our sweetest surprises today, was a knock on my door before the party. It was one of my very best friends, Cindy, who had made a 3 hour trip to show up here for Katelyn’s party!!  And she brought with her, her family – including her daughter Abby (who is Katelyn’s very best friend) and her son Ben (who is one of Carson’s very best friends.)    They used to live in our neighborhood but recently moved away…  we are all so sad about that. But today was so good to see them.  It lifted our spirits. 

Monica, Me and Kortney, Cindy and Abby

Carson and Ben

Fifteen cousins from both sides of the family were here for the party!  My kids love their cousins.  They are their best buddies.  Also all their aunts were here, both sets of grandparents, and of course Scott.  (I tried to make this party  mostly for the mommas and the kiddos, so to keep it small, more personal - and more about the kids.)

These sweet cousins were good sports, also very respectful as they willingly sang Happy Birthday to Katelyn, blew out the candle three times, and ate a fantastic bright orange and purple Dora the Explorer cake.

The balloon launch was something special. Scott’s sister, Gloria bought and brought all the balloons, enough for everyone.  The cousins wrote Happy Birthday messages to Kate on their balloons and sent them up into the heavens all at once.  It was an amazing sight to see, one with mixed emotions, of course.  We all smiled through the tears, as the cousins wished her Happy Birthday one last time.  Scott gave me a kiss while we watched that beautiful array of colorful balloons ascend to heaven.  I felt his admiration for me - that I could go through with this for Katelyn - and celebrate her life as she would have us do, instead of mourning this whole day through.  It was difficult to do so soon after losing her...  but we did it.  And the heavens smiled back at us. It was one of the most amazing moments.

I'm sure I was probably still in shock from the last few days, but I felt heaven close as I looked around that party.  In my mind’s eye, I could see Kate in every scene; she was giggling and laughing with her "besties" as they jumped on the trampoline;  she was swinging in the empty swing next to Karlee on the swing set; she was playing baby-dolls with the girls in the playroom, and she was playing Thomas Train in the front room with the boys. 

These cousins were no strangers to my home and to Kate’s toys.  They all had their favorite things to play here with her.   As I watched them now, I could tell they remembered her fondly as they played with her favorite things. 

It was a bitter-sweet moment.  Already I knew that life was moving on for these kids, and I felt the ache of knowing Kate would no longer be growing up alongside them.  But seeing the love they had for her, and feeling her little spirit with them as they played, I realized she'd always be with them (and us).   I knew all the special memories of Kate that we hold dear, will keep her alive in our hearts.  

This birthday party was the perfect way for the kids to celebrate Kate’s life, to wish her Happy Birthday, to let go balloons and say "see you later” – (none of us are ready and able to say the word “goodbye”.)      

Today was not easy - I still shed many tears, but it was a beautiful day.   I was thankful for these children (and also their mothers) who showed up to honor Kate.  I felt such a love for them.  You might think it would be hard for me to be around all these young children who were the same age as Kate - but I didn’t let myself think about that -  I stayed focused on their love and support.  This day was a small step in my healing and in finding my smile.    

Now looking back -

The cousins still remember that special birthday party for Kate.  We all felt her with us that day.  It was the start of a new normal for all of us -  the start of a special heavenly bond we have with Kate as our angel.  In a strange way, I was grateful for this painful but endearing "first" birthday.  This party wasn't just for her, it was for us - her broken-hearted family,  and it helped us all start to find our smiles.

We made it through our very toughest “FIRST” together – her first birthday without her.   

And this proved that  “We Can Do Hard Things”.    With the help from family and friends, and with the strength of the Lord - we can do ALL things.