October 31st, 2009 -
Our first Halloween without Katelyn... It started out really rough. But I was thankful for some activities that kept me busy throughout the day. I first went to the school to help Carson and Karlee with costumes and also helped a bit with their school parties. Later, I was busy back at home helping them reapply make-up and with perfecting their costumes. I was thankful for all the busyness because it helped keep my mind off missing Kate.
When Carson and Karlee asked me earlier if it was okay to go trick-or-treating this year, they were surprised and excited when I said "Yes." They thought we would throw out all the normal traditions this year because it would be too hard to do without Katelyn. But how could I not say "Yes" - I knew they needed a good distraction from their grief, and a good reason to play and be "normal" kids.
Carson was happy to dress up like Frankenstein and be a "big dumb monster," and Karlee was excited to dress as a bride. Originally, she had planned to be a Corpse Bride, but she changed her mind after Kate's funeral. Pretending to be dead didn't feel right (and I was proud of her for figuring that out on her own.) For a 6 year old, it was very mature of her to consider the circumstances and decide to be a "pretty bride" instead.
Yes, the kids were feeling happy, tonight... almost giddy. It was a relief for them to be silly - and so they let it all come out! They were hilarious for the camera while I took pictures. And when they made me giggle, they tried even harder to be silly to get me to laugh again. They were happy to see me Happy, and I was happy to see them Happy.
At that point, I still wasn't sure if Scott was planning to take the kids trick-or-treating on the little motorcycle, but we were preparing to go nonetheless.
I had given Scott a pep-talk a few days earlier, hoping it would help him with the idea. I said I knew it was hard for him to ride that little bike without Kate, but that the kids really needed this. They needed to feel like they were just as much loved as Kate, and that time now spent with them was equally important.
Katelyn wouldn't have us quit riding the little motorcycle because it reminds us of her - that's exactly the reason why she would want us to keep riding it - in her memory. We should ride it because it reminds us of happy times with her. It once made us very happy, and it will do again, if we let it. I told Scott it would be very healthy for all of us, for him to get back on that motorcycle with the kids.
I'm not sure he heard a word of my little pep-talk. From the look of things, chances were slim that he'd feel up to getting that motorcycle out for Halloween. He was having some really dark days, missing his little girl. Neither I, nor the kids, thought the dirt bike was a possibility this year.
However... Tonight, as we were finishing up with costumes and make-up, we suddenly heard the sound of a motorcycle rev up in the garage. Karlee about tripped over herself to run for the door. My heart leapt for joy - and I ran for my camera. By the time I got outside, Karlee was on the front of the pit bike with Scott, and Carson was on the back. It wasn't the little red dirt bike, but it didn't matter. The kids were just thrilled to be back on any bike with their dad. They were ready and happy to go trick-or-treating!
At that moment, the whole neighborhood seemed to come alive. Everyone had missed the motorcycle, and now they were cheering and waving and calling out to my little family as they whizzed by.
My heart was so full. It was liberating. Even Scott had a smile on his face. This made my kids happy, to see him making that first step to getting "back on the bike." Because Carson and Karlee were happy, I was happy... and it seemed to all of us that Katelyn was happy, too. We knew she was right there with us, and we felt that she was also cheering us on. Happy tears filled my eyes to be in such a bitter-sweet moment. I was proud of Scott for doing hard things, today. I knew it was one more step towards our family's healing.
They say that "first Holidays" after losing a loved one are the hardest. I believe it. But for me, I think the days leading up to Halloween were worse than this actual day. Halloween didn't turn out as bad as I had anticipated. Of course, I still had difficult moments, like when I saw Katelyn's friends and kids her age trick-or-treating at my door. But I got through it. I tried to keep busy so I didn't have time to cry. And my kids had a good time, despite the fact that their little sister wasn't here... And that mattered most.
So... One holiday down, and several more to go before we are done with this "Year of Firsts." Still, I really want to try and make the most out of these "first holidays" for my kids' sake. I've decided it's whats best for them, and its whats best for me (to see them happy.)
I'm thankful that the Lord is helping us find our way through all this, and I'm thankful He's given me a great family to keep me going on the days I don't feel like it.
Now, I guess we just keep taking one step at a time to get through this together. I don't expect that we'll ever stop hurting or missing Kate. We'll probably just keep learning how to keep moving and keep living... and maybe all of it will get easier somehow, someday. We hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment