The Power of Love and Family - Part 3 (LV Trip)

When Scott and I look back, we can see the hand of God leading us through the darkest days after losing Kate.  He surrounded us with the people that could best help us through our most difficult moments.  I never truly knew the power of friends and family until we found ourselves in a crisis...

It was a real live nightmare. I knew it was really happening but I didn't want to believe it.  

My mom and Karlee didn't arrive at the hospital until after we had to leave Kate's room - which was probably a blessing for my 6 year old.  However,  she had been there at the house before the paramedics, so she would have that trauma to deal with.  I knew my kids had already been through enough.  I knew I needed to stay calm so not to make things worse.  It was a challenge to keep my emotions together but I knew my children were looking for signs that everything was going to be okay.  I needed to be okay.  

After we'd hugged and talked and prayed together,  I wanted my mom to take the kids away from this as soon as possible, which she did.  But because I wasn't able to leave (for many reasons), my dad stayed to be with me.  

Once my kids left the hospital, I felt like I could give in to my emotions and cry.  For the first time in my life I experienced a deep sorrow that I never knew existed.   I didn't know my emotions could take me to such an intense state of shock and grief.  I didn't know my body could cry that hard.

In those moments, I gained a new appreciation for the strength of family.  I was thankful that my dad was there.  I needed him to carry me thru this.  I think he was glad he could be there for me, but I know it was difficult for him to see his own little girl hurting so badly.  

In our experience, I saw how Grandparents take on another sort of grief during tragedy.   They of course grieve for the loss of their grandchild which is difficult alone.  But grandparents also hurt because of the pain they see their own child going through, and from the helpless feeling of knowing they can't take it from them.  I know it was upsetting for my dad that he couldn't take this pain away from me.   He held me and talked me through the most difficult moment of my life there at the hospital.  And as strong as my dad was for me at that time, I know it's been an emotional memory for him ever since.  It's obvious that he still sees me as his little girl, and loves me as such.

By that time we were in a private family room.  I'm sure we had already spent hours there.  But now we were there because I needed a moment.   It was the hardest first step I had to make - to leave that hospital - to leave there without my little girl.  I just wasn't able to do it.  

My brother Bryce was sent a text in the middle of his dental course and left immediately for the hospital to be with me. When Bryce walked in, I remember the love and tears he instantly shared with me.  I knew it wasn't coincidence that he was in Vegas at this same time.  I needed him so much, and he was there.   I was so thankful that he was willing to be there, to cry with me and for me.  He brought with him a strength that I needed at that moment.

I am thankful to know that in times of crisis such as this, God, my Father in Heaven, will not leave me alone and comfortless.   Even in my moments of complete devastation, I felt my Savior's support.  

My dad had given me a beautiful blessing earlier.  Now hours later, Bryce was giving me another blessing to help me leave the hospital.  It was a tender yet emotional blessing.  I really don't know how he got through it, except as it were by the powers of heaven.  In that blessing, he was inspired to say the things my Heavenly Father wanted me to hear.   He first blessed me with comfort.  He then spoke to me, specifically as the mother of this dear little girl.  He knew my fears and addressed the shock of my separation from her.  He assured me that Katelyn was in the arms of her Savior who loves her.   She was in a safe and good place (just as Carson had said).  She was surrounded by many people who love her - including our own beloved family members who had already passed on.    He reassured my broken heart that this accident was no person's fault - that she had fulfilled her important mission here on earth and returned to her heavenly home.  

He spoke of the gifts I'd been given to be her mother these precious years of her life.  He said I had been chosen to be her mother, (along with Scott as her daddy) to help her and love her, and give her all the best things in life.  His blessing expressed so much tenderness and love for me.  I felt the presence of angels with me, strengthening me, calming me, helping me to pull myself together so I could be the mother that my other children still needed me to be.    

That blessing gave me what I needed to leave my little Katelyn, knowing she wasn't really being left behind - that she had gone on to a place where the view was better, where she could always watch over me, and stay with me wherever I may be.   

I already felt her influence and concern for our family.  I knew she wanted me to leave this hospital and return to her frightened brother and sisters.   Katelyn was already giving me the courage to carry on with what was needed for her little family.  I felt her close, and somehow I knew she'd always be there, giving me encouragement along the way.

When I returned to Grandpa's house, there was a lot of hugging and holding and tender words exchanged with my children.   

I specifically remember Carson asking me, "How could we have the best day yesterday, and then today be the worst day ever?"  

To that I had no answer. I didn't understand it or believe it myself.  Sometimes there are no answers.  Just hugs.

The kids were by my side on the couch in the front room, away from the back window and the view of the pool.  There we stayed, sharing words of comfort until we were with Scott again. 

Earlier on, I had asked my dad if he would get ahold of Scott.  I could not bear the thought of telling him the devastating news about his little girl.  I just couldn't do it.  It really wasn't fair of me to ask my dad to take on that difficult task, but as it turned out, he didn't have to do it.

Back home, that Saturday Scott was dirt biking in the sand dunes with his brother Danny, his Dad, also a brother-in-law, uncle and cousins, and also one of his best friends Kim.   Just like me, he was surrounded by the perfect people to strengthen and sustain him this tragic day.

My dad's cellphone coverage wasn't reaching there from Vegas.  Too much time had passed before anyone could reach Scott.   My other brothers, Darren (the oldest brother) and Josh (the youngest) were on a weekend retreat with their families just an hour away from where Scott was.  Dad got ahold of Darren who was ready and willing to make a trip to the sand dunes to find Scott.  Right before he left, Darren tried to call, and for some reason his cellphone could reach Scott when ours couldn't.  Darren ended up being the one who was given that difficult task...  I think it was just about too tough a thing for even a big strong guy like my brother to do.  Bless his heart for doing that for me.

Before we all knew it, Scott had chartered a private jet to fly to Vegas.  His brother Danny and friend Kim dropped everything to come with him and be his support.  He flew as soon as possible, making it in to Vegas just after dark.

I remember sitting on the couch with Carson in one arm and Karlee in the other when Scott walked thru the front door.  Carson had been trying so hard to be strong for my sake.  He was trying to fill his dad's shoes while he was gone.  As soon as he saw his dad, he let out a sigh and a sob at the same time, and immediately he became the little 9 year old boy that he needed to be.  He was the first to reach Scott's embrace.

I was also relieved and thankful to see Scott.  I knew I no longer had to face all this without him.  He was here to take care of his family.  We were both completely devastated and broken, but somehow together we were more than what we were apart.

We stayed one last night at Grandpa's house, before leaving for home the next day.  Already the love of friends and family were reaching our broken hearts, sending support and strength.  Scott was grateful to his brother Danny and Kim (who is more like a brother than a friend) for coming with him and helping him be strong for his family.  This was just the start of many sacrifices that friends and family made in our behalf.

That first night without Katelyn was the hardest night ever...  to be in that same bed, where the last couple nights I had snuggled with my little girl, and told her about when she was a babe, visiting with angels.   

I stared at that ceiling and my heart ached like it never had before.  I wondered where she was at that very moment - and how was it that she wasn't there snuggling with me?   Kate's memory was still so very fresh, it felt like I should be able to reach out and touch her.   I held her princess blankie up to my face, and breathed her in.  Then I closed my eyes and felt my heart break in two.

Honestly, I don't know how we got through this most difficult night.   Prayer… and God.  That’s the only way.   

"Faith tells us that no matter what lies ahead of us, God is already there."