Hitting Rock Bottom...

I was blaming myself terribly for Kate’s accident.

As parents, it’s easy to do when something bad happens to our child.   We are our children’s caretakers.  Since the time they were born, we have kept them safe.  We have looked after them and looked out for them, and kept them from harm’s way.  If and when something bad happens to our child, we often feel somehow responsible just for the mere fact that we are responsible for them.

This was me.  I regretted so many things leading up to Kate’s accident.  I wished things had happened differently to prevent it.   I would go through the whole scenario over and over in my mind,  basically torturing myself, trying to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and what I should have done differently.   I never got anywhere with this.  I only ended up with many unanswered questions.  What’s more, I ended up agonizing over the “If Onlys…”  

“If only I hadn’t taken that trip to Vegas..."  

"If only I hadn’t been feeding the baby at the time that Kate went out to play..."   

"If only, If only, If only…"  

If I could pass on any bit of advice to other bereaving parents – it would be:  Stay away from the “If Onlys.”   I can say from experience that blaming and thinking “If Only” does no good – IT ONLY PREVENTS HEALING.   

With this thinking,  I got so stuck in deep regret that I couldn’t move past the conclusion that Katelyn’s accident was my fault.   It inflicted a burden so heavy, and a pain so deep that I didn’t think I could live with it for the rest of my life.   It was hell.   Don’t get me wrong, I was never suicidal, but I wished so badly that the pain would stop.   And when I couldn't see an end to my pain, there were days I wished I could die (but my other children were reasons enough for me to want to live.  Thank goodness.)   I was so consumed and feeling helpless.  I’ve never been in such a dark place as I was when blaming myself for Kate’s accident.  It felt as though the ground surely was going to open up and swallow me.

And then a hand reached out to me.  A friend of mine from college  sent me a scripture - which message probably saved me.

“And now…  remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”   Helaman 5:12

This was not just any scripture, it was an answer to prayer and a start to my healing.  I could see myself in the midst of this fierce storm, it was dark and destructive...  and I knew the only way it would ever be tamed, or that my troubled heart would ever find peace, was through the saving power of the Savior Jesus Christ, my Rock. 

I realize that everyone grieves differently, and everyone finds healing in different ways...  but for me, the Savior was the only way.  

In the years to follow, I came to know the Atonement and it's healing power in a way I never knew.  It wasn't until I was completely broken and rock bottom that I realized my dependence on Jesus Christ, gained an appreciation for His suffering, and better understood His Atonement.  My relationship with Him has changed and deepened in the last few years.

Even now, I rely on Him for everything.  I still need Him every hour.  I am thankful to Him because He makes up for all my broken pieces.  He continually strengthens me, and every day He helps me endure the heartache of losing my little girl.  I could not do it without Him.

“Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.”    Matthew 11:28

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Quotes of strength that came at this time: 

Broken Things to Mend - by Jeffrey R. Holland
"The Savior's Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair." 

“There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life.  Nevertheless the souls who comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as they hymn says, “beyond [his] own.”  The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.”  (1 Nephi 21:16).  Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now.  When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up.  He knows it because He has walked it.  He knows the way because He is the way.”

The Story of Peter Sinking  (New Testament)

Peter and the disciples were on the sea, on a boat – and they saw Jesus afar off distance, walking on the water.  Peter wanted to walk on the water with Him.  So Jesus said, “Come.”  And Peter did -  He actually started to walk on the water to Jesus - and then he saw the winds and storm around him, and he became scared, and he started to sink. 

Brent Top says, “We often emphasize Peter’s “failure” and the Master’s rebuke: “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?”  (Matthew 14:31)  To me, this story is not one of failure or lack of faith, but one of triumph.  The focus should not be on Peter’s “sinking” but on Christ’s “lifting.”  I am convinced that Peter became far stronger from “sinking” than had he continued to walk on water. 

"…I believe that Jesus caught hold of Peter by the hand and lifted him back to the surface, like a father would lift a child who has fallen back to his feet.  To me the miracle is not so much that Peter may have taken a step or two on the surface of the water at first, but rather, that after he cried, “Lord save me,” and caught hold of the Saviors outstretched hand, he walked back to the boat – with the Master. 

"Not only did Jesus walk on water and silence storms by His very word, but He enabled Peter to do the same.  What a great learning experience for Peter and each of us – when “walking on water” by yourself, you will always sink, but when you focus on Christ, take hold of His outstretched hand of grace, and walk with Him, you cannot fail.”  

 When You Can’t Do It Alone – Take the Savior’s Hand  by Brent Top