Katelyn loved riding the motorcycle with her daddy. All it took was one look with those big brown "puppy-dog" eyes and a "pretty pretty please" and she'd have him talked into a "brrrroom-brrroom" ride. We had a few dirt bikes, but Katelyn's favorite was the Honda CRF 50 because it was miniature size - just perfect for putting around the neighborhood with Daddy. They had more fun on that bike! All the neighbors knew Katelyn well because she'd
stop by with Scott to say hello while on their friendly neighborhood rides.
We all have memories of Katelyn on
that bike. In the summertime, Carson drove her around on it, while up at Grandma Jamie and Grandpa Bill’s cabin. She loved to ride. She would do it all day, if we let her.
The Honda 50 was the perfect little beginner's bike - Carson had learned to ride on it, and now Karlee was just starting to ride it. But Karlee mostly loved riding on the back. She knew that anytime little sister was getting a ride, she could usually hitch a ride too. For all three of the kids, the little red bike meant fun times - and time with Dad.
The Honda 50 was the perfect little beginner's bike - Carson had learned to ride on it, and now Karlee was just starting to ride it. But Karlee mostly loved riding on the back. She knew that anytime little sister was getting a ride, she could usually hitch a ride too. For all three of the kids, the little red bike meant fun times - and time with Dad.
When Kate passed away suddenly in early October 2009, the dirt bike riding came to a screeching halt.
Some memories can be so painful that they can stop everything in its (motorcycle) tracks. For Scott, every dirt bike he owned reminded him of Kate. Even his own dirt bike carried the painful memory of what he was doing when he got that dreadful phone call and the news that Kate was gone.
Seeing the little red Honda was especially painful for him because he knew how much Katelyn loved it, and he knew she would never ride it again. He had to tuck the little red 50 back in the corner of the garage - and hide it where he couldn't see it. There it would stay until his heart was ready for it again. I worried that without Kate, Scott would never ride that little bike again.
And so, the neighborhood became quieter. It just wasn't the same without the sound of that little motor and Katelyn's giggles as she zipped up and down those streets and sidewalks with her daddy.
This was all very difficult for the kids. The loss of their little sister was bad enough, but Carson and Karlee were also grieving a secondary loss - their dad. Their fun, energetic father had the wind knocked out of his sails - he just wasn't the same. It was painful for them to see their dad so very sad. They loved him, and they missed the days when he played with them, especially on the motorcycles. As much as my kids shared Katelyn's love for fun, it was hard for them to see everything come to a stop. They also worried that their Dad would never take them riding again.
Halloween was just around the corner. It would be our first Holiday without Katelyn. I didn't want to think about it much. I thought if I ignored it, I could avoid the hurt of knowing that she was missing her chance to trick-or-treat as Tinkerbell. I'd rather pretend Halloween didn't exist. I even took the Halloween decorations down and put them away. I just wasn't ready to face it without Katelyn. Still, the day was coming, ready or not.
As Halloween approached, Carson and Karlee didn't know how to feel about it. They knew it would be easier for us (mom and dad) if they didn't celebrate Halloween at all this year, but they also didn't want Katelyn's loss to change EVERYTHING - especially the way our family did things like holidays. They wanted to keep tradition and do things as "normal" as possible. They wanted to go trick-or-treating. But then they felt guilty about it. How could they still want to have fun and celebrate when our family was feeling so sad? Were they being selfish for wanting to "just be kids."
I remember Halloween was only days away, when they bashfully came in to ask me, "Mom... Is it okay if we still go trick-or-treating?"
It broke my heart that my children were asking for permission to have fun. It didn't seem right that they had to wonder if FUN was appropriate. They were trying to be understanding of dad's feelings with the motorcycles. They were being patient with him, hoping someday soon he would feel like riding again. And they were willing to do whatever we told them was best this year for Halloween. They didn't want to make us do anything we weren't ready for. They wanted to do whatever was easiest for us.
It opened my eyes when my kids came asking permission to trick-or-treat. For them, this wasn't just a matter of getting candy.... Halloween was an opportunity for them to dress-up and become somebody else. For just one night, they could pretend they weren't THAT family, who had just lost their little sister/daughter. Carson wanted to be Frankenstein and Karlee a Bride - and they wanted to take a break from reality. I could see how very important this was for them.
Thats when I knew we couldn't skip Halloween, or any other holiday. What message were we giving them, if we stopped doing everything we once loved, because Katelyn wasn't here to do it with us? What kind of affect would it have on them if we stopped making HAPPY memories because we were too SAD? And what kind of memories would we really be making if we did nothing at all?
No. This holiday needed to be about them, and their lives, and their memories. Time wasn't stopping for us to grieve - LIFE was still happening RIGHT NOW, and we needed to live it... even if it meant we had to just go through the motions - and push through the painful parts, for the kids' sake.
As parents, it's a hard thing - to live for our children who are still living, while grieving for our children who are not. I realized that I couldn't just stop and dwell on the life that Katelyn was missing... I had to keep moving and keep focusing on my other children, so they didn't miss theirs.
(to be continued...)
"In all living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be ENJOYED, not just endured."
- Gordon B. Hinckley
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