Broken Legos... and Broken Hearts

“When assaulted by a personal tragedy, we may feel shamed to openly admit our feelings and disappointments to others, or sometimes even to ourselves.  Consequently, we may choose to mask our true feelings in order to save face.  We may pretend for long periods of time to be functioning well, all in a desperate attempt to fool others and ourselves.  This façade is often reinforced and buried even deeper when others compliment us with statements such as, “You are so strong and doing so well.”  Our desire not to disappoint others precludes us from sharing our real feelings and admitting that we are struggling and need help.  We then are forced to grieve in the shadows.  We become silent sufferers.”

– Joyce and Dennis Ashton,  When Bad Things Threaten to Destroy Good People

Katelyn adored Carson.  If she could have only one brother, she got the best one.  He loved her and he took good care of her.  She always wanted to do what he was doing.   She thought she was a big kid, just like him.   If someone told her that she couldn’t do something because she was too little, she would clench her fists, and holler, “No I NOT!!”    Carson knew Kate would often get hurt trying to keep up with him -  so he was always on his guard, watching out for her and protecting her, even if it meant he’d get hurt doing it. 

I remember, one evening the kids were playing outside.   Scott was talking with a neighbor across the street, and Kate wandered out to the road towards him.  We live on a fairly quiet street, but Carson saw a car coming a ways off.   He ran out in the road to scoop her up in his arms and run her to safety.  As he did, he tripped and fell.   He took most of the road himself, trying to keep her from smacking the pavement.   He brought her into the house, crying in his arms.   She was only startled, but he worried that she bumped her head, or that he’d hurt her.  Because of his heroic act, she didn’t even get a bump or a scratch.   Carson, on the other hand…  well, he was the one who went to bed with Band-Aids that night. 

Now, several months later, Katelyn was gone - and like all of us, Carson was struggling.   After losing his little sister, Carson felt his whole world had turned upside down.  Nothing was the same without her.  Not the house, not the family… Carson especially worried about his dad;  Scott wasn’t his usual happy, fun-hearted self.   But truthfully, none of us were the same without Katelyn, and for a 10 year old boy, this was awfully hard to accept.  He missed the days when everyone was happy.   He hoped his family would be happy again, someday soon. 

On the outside, Carson seemed calm and collected (because 4^th graders are cool, you know.  They aren’t babies, and they don’t cry.)  But on the inside, he was hurting.  He missed his little sister.  He wished that she were still here.  He felt bad that he wasn’t there at the time of Kate’s accident.  He wondered if he had been, would she still be here today?   He thought maybe he could’ve saved her.   These thoughts made his heart hurt so badly.   But he was afraid to talk about his feelings because he didn’t want to upset someone or add to anyone’s grief.   There again, he was looking out for his family.

After bottling his feelings for quite some time, Carson became frustrated.  He found himself getting angry over little things.    One day in particular, everything caught up to him.  A friend of mine came over to visit with me, and she brought with her, her two young boys.   While we were talking, they went downstairs to play in the playroom.  Little did we know, they soon lost interest in the playroom toys (which were mostly pink), and found their way to Carson’s closet and all the fun Big-Boy-Toys.  (bless their little hearts)

After my visitors left, Carson came home from school and soon I heard the most unusual commotion coming from his room.  I ran downstairs and found him sitting in a mess of Legos on the floor.   It seemed the boys had helped themselves to several of Carson’s model Lego racecars, motorcycles, and other building sets (of which he had spent hours meticulously putting together) and had left them in pieces.  This was upsetting to Carson.  It just added to his overwhelming list of broken things to mend. 

Carson had finally reached his limit.   His emotional dam that was holding everything back finally hit its max and was breaking down.   Now every bit of frustration, anger, sadness, and remorse that he’d kept pushed deep down since the accident was spewing out.   It’s not like Carson to whine, throw fits, get frustrated, or cry for that matter.    He is an easy-going kid, who never complains and takes things as they come.   This was very unusual for him to have a melt down of this magnitude.    

But there he was devastated, down on his knees, pain and anguish on his face.   He closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and cried out something that broke my heart,

“Why is everything FALLING APART?!”

I knew he wasn’t just talking about the Legos.

Instantly, I matched his tears with my own.   I didn’t even know what to say to make it better.   I just sat on the floor next to him, put my arms around him, and we cried together for a time.  It seemed to be just what we both needed. 

Carson opened up and shared his feelings about Katelyn with me, including how he felt that he could’ve saved her if he were only there.   I realized, like me, he was tormenting himself with the “What ifs” and “If onlys.”

At that point, I would do anything to stop him from suffering the weight of the ugly self-blame that I was also carrying.    I prayed that I could say the right thing to help him…  even if it was something that I was still struggling with myself - I hoped I could say it like I believed it, so he would believe it too.

I told him – “When someone dies in an accident, it is normal for everyone to wonder if they’d done things differently, would she still be here today?”

Then I confessed to him my own feelings…

“I know how you feel, son…  I wish I’d done things differently, too.”

I went on, “But sometimes bad things just happen and it’s not anyone’s fault.   We cannot blame ourselves or anyone else for Katelyn’s accident.   We can feel sad and we can feel sorry that it happened.  But placing blame, especially on ourselves, doesn’t help us to heal.“  Even as I said it, I knew it was true.  It was good advice for the both of us.

Somehow, being honest about my feelings, validated Carson’s, and helped him know it was okay to feel what he was feeling.  Sometimes that’s just what we need - to know we are not alone, to know that what we are feeling is normal, and to know that we’re not crazy for feeling this way.  I think it was also a good reminder for both of us to go easier on ourselves.  Sometimes we tend to beat ourselves up when we don’t meet our own expectations, or when life doesn’t go our way.  After a tragic loss it takes a lot of time before we can feel like ourselves again, and we need to allow ourselves time to heal.

Carson asked - when would things go back to normal?   I told him the truth - that things will never go back to exactly the way it was.   It just won’t.  So long as Katelyn’s not here, it can’t be the same.  We’ll always miss her.  We’ll always love her.   But she loves us too, and she wants us to keep living, and to be happy.   By living life, we’d soon find a “new kind of normal” and new reasons to smile…  and that’s okay.   When our broken hearts start to feel better, it won’t mean that we are forgetting Katelyn, or that we love her less.   It just means that we are starting to heal - and that’s okay too.    I promised him that someday, somehow, our broken hearts WILL feel better (maybe not ALL better, but definitely BETTER.)

Looking back, the broken Legos were definitely the easiest things to put back together.   But that day, Carson finally had the chance to vent his feelings.   Broken Legos gave us an opportunity to talk, and be honest about how things really were.   I had tried so hard and so long to be “strong” for my kids -  but I learned that it is more important for my children to know that it’s okay to be sad – it’s okay to grieve - it’s okay to cry and be honest about our feelings.   It’s healthy, in fact.

Carson learned that stuffing and avoiding his feelings only causes blow-ups for him later.  It’s better to let them out and deal with them as they come.   Also he learned that it’s okay when you’re struggling to share your feelings with someone you trust.  Talking helps you to feel better.   I hope he always feels like he can come to us (his parents) when he needs to talk.   I told him that we would  always love him – and we’ll always be here to listen.  

As a family, we were learning that it’s okay to be a little broken.  It’s okay to need help.  It’s okay to cry.   And it’s okay (and good)  to be there for each other.

Nicolas Sparks (writer) says it best -

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own.  When you cry, I cry – and when you hurt, I hurt.  And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life. “

This is what a family does.  This is what it’s all about – lifting and helping each other.   We are here for one another, through the good, the bad and the ugly…  no matter what.  And we will get through hard times, together.

Since the broken Legos, Carson has had his turn to comfort me when I’ve needed it.  This young man has learned more about compassion than most boys his age ever have to.   He’s looked out for me (his mother) and has lifted me to higher ground during some pretty low moments.  Even if he didn’t know what to say during those times, he knew how to offer me a hug or just be there so I didn’t have to feel alone.

Through the toughest of times, my family have all shown what they are made of.   Together, we have helped each other through the valley of death and sorrow - and it’s made us stronger still.   I am so blessed to have the children I do – and the husband that stands by my side.  I am proud to call them MY FAMILY (and I include my daughter Katelyn in this.)  I am grateful to them for being there for me.   I don’t know where I’d be without them.   I love each of them to infinity and beyond. 

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Helpful Quotes:

“It is okay for children to see dad cry – they’ll learn men feel pain and cry.  Explain that crying is not just for girls and mothers.  Boys and fathers also have the right to show how bad they feel.

Parents - It is not necessary to hide your own grief.  Encouraging a child to air his sorrow can be the greatest gift – other than your time – that you can give.”

 - Harriet Sarnoff Schiff,  The Bereaved Parent

Crying is beneficial both physically and emotionally. 

 "Tears shed during grief have more toxins than do regular tears.  Tears actually can be healing."  

- R.K. Limbo and S.R. Wheeler,  When a Baby Dies: a Handbook for Healing and Helping

Grief – If We Avoid It, Will It Go Away? –  SAVE.org

“You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it.  As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief.  It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life.  It limits one’s life potential. 

Suppressing grief keeps one in a continual state of stress and shock, unable to move from it.  Our body feels the effects of it in ailments.  Our emotional life suffers.  Our spiritual life suffers.  We say that the person is “stuck in grief.”

When a person faces his grief, allows his feelings to come, speaks of his grief, allows its expression, it is then that the focus is to move from death and dying and to promote life and living.

Dealing appropriately with grief is important in helping to preserve healthy individuals and nurturing families, to avoid destroying bodies and their psyche, their marriages and their relationships.

Essential to a grieving person is to have at least one person who will allow them, give them permission to grieve.  Some people can turn to a friend or to a family member, or support group.“

Our family found a really great Counselor who helped us work through our Grief.  We owe A LOT to him.  I would highly recommend a Grief Counselor to anyone dealing with loss.