School Pictures - One last gift...

October 2009

We were preparing for little Kate's funeral, and looking for a photo for her obituary when we realized that we didn't have a recent professional portrait of her.   With my pregnancy and then the new baby Kortney, I regrettably failed to have professional family photos taken.  The only recent family pictures we had were just a couple snapshots taken of us sitting on Grandma Dawn's front porch for the fourth of July. (Thank heavens we had those.)

It didn't look like we'd have anything too recent of Katelyn (other than snapshots) to display at her viewing. 

However...  
Two weeks prior was Picture Day at our elementary school.  That morning, when Katelyn saw her brother and sister getting spiffy for school pictures, she insistently said, "Me too!"  She wanted to be like the big kids and have her picture taken that same day.  

What an odd thing for me to do - take my preschooler down to the Elementary for a "school photo" especially when she wasn't yet attending there.  But Katelyn's mind was set - she was determined to have her picture taken that day - so I decided "Why not."  

I called my friend Stacy (who happens to be a hairdresser)  to see if she could give Katelyn a quick trim.  Stacy is a busy mom and good friend of mine.  She also cuts hair occasionally in her own home.  That morning she willingly stopped what she was doing to give Katelyn a haircut.  

Katelyn rarely slowed down long enough for me to curl or braid her hair.  Whenever I'd suggest that we'd do her hair, she 'd most often shake her head and say, "No, I fine!"  I was lucky when she'd let me do anything at all with it.  So that summer we cut Katelyn's hair in a bob, an A-line "Pixie Cut." It was spunky yet still very feminine - it matched her personality perfectly.  I loved it most because it was so easy to do.  It was perfect for a little girl on-the-go.  It stacked like a bob in the back, then fell forward, so pretty around her face.  I loved it, and so did she.   

Stacy was good with little kids;  She could get Kate to hold still for a hair cut.  That morning it didn't take Stacy long to cut and style her hair, and have her ready in time for pictures. 

When we got to the school, Katelyn trotted in like a big girl.  She felt so privileged and grown-up, like the big kids. 

While she waited in line for her photo, she asked to wear some of my lip-gloss.  She was a big fan of lipstick.  She put it on every chance she could get, often sneaking it from my handbag.  (To this day, Kate's little pillowcase still has lipstick marks on it where she'd fall asleep with it on.)  I love that she was so free spirited and adventurous, yet girly at the same time.  

When it was finally Kate's turn, she hopped up on the chair in front of the camera and in seconds she took the most perfect picture.  Even the photographer raved about what a "big girl" she was!  He then let me take a sneak peek of her cute little smile caught-on-film.  It was Picture Perfect!  One of her most darling pictures ever!  So surprising that it was just a school photo.  And so strange that is was such a spontaneous thing, and all her idea.  Looking back, it seems that Katelyn knew how important it was to get her picture taken that day.  But that's silly, right?  How could she have known that this school photo would be such a priceless gift?  

Fast forward only a couple weeks later...  It was the first week of October and now our hearts were broken.  All too suddenly, our brown-eyed little girl had left us to return to her Father in Heaven.  It was shocking and so very heart wrenching for her to be gone, and all we had left were memories and photographs of her.   

Now, I was trying to find the perfect picture of Katelyn to blow up into an 8x10.  I wasn't short on snapshots - I had just switched to a digital camera when she was born, so I had more pictures of Katelyn in her short 3 years than I did of all my other children combined.   It's been a blessing to have so many.  But it looked like snapshots were all we had.  There were no recent professional photographs of her.  

Unbeknownst to me, my mom remembered about the school pictures and called the principal of our elementary to see if they were back yet.  They weren't, but our Principal, Mrs. Green kindly made a couple of phone calls.  The very next day, Bell Photographers made a special delivery to the school, and dropped off a very large package.  I still remained unaware of all this.

The Thursday before her funeral, I went to the funeral home to dress my little girl.  I won't say much about this experience because it's one that I hold near and dear to my heart.  I will say that my mother-daughter time with Katelyn was both beautiful and emotional for me.  As her mother, it was my last time to dress and care for my baby girl while she was here on this earth...  it was a very tender, very dear moment.  I was blessed to share this precious experience with my own mother who was there to support and help me.  In that small room, it seemed we stood on hallowed ground because of the peace of heaven we felt there with Katelyn's little body.   I consider it one of the most sacred and spiritual moments of my life.   I took a lot of time there with my baby girl because I didn't want that peace to end, nor did I want to leave her and the special spirit I felt there.

When I finally walked out of that room and into the foyer of the funeral home, my dad was there anxiously waiting to surprise me with something.  There in his arms was a large beautiful frame with two 8x10s matted side by side - one picture was of Greg Olsen's "Heavenly Hands" painting (of the angel and the little girl) and next to it was the most darling school picture of Katelyn.  I was so overcome with emotions of gratitude and surprise that I literally jumped for joy.   Tears filled my eyes - and graciously I hugged both my parents.  I was so thankful for this most beautiful gift - and it's perfect timing.   

This picture represented everything that was alive about Kate.  It captured her bubbling personality, her positive energy, her smile, her kindness, the sparkle in her eyes, and her love of life.   Just having come out of that sacred room where her still body lay, and for this to be the first thing that I saw - and to feel the beautiful spirit that this photo captures -  it gave my heart such joy.  This was how I wanted to remember her... happy and so very full of love and life.  Perhaps this unexpected sight of her (though it was just her picture) was a small taste of the immense joy I'll feel when I truly get to see her again someday.   Seeing that radiant smile and the happiness in her eyes... for a moment I felt as though she were really there, smiling with me.  I was sure she was, and I knew she was pleased to see her momma "be happy."  

I loved my dad for his perfect timing.  I was grateful to the school principal, Mrs. Green for her special efforts in making this happen.  And I was thankful to Katelyn, for being so insistent that she have her school picture taken that day.  It was her last gift to me, and our family.   It's meant so much to all of us to have this beautiful portrait of her.  It hangs in our family room, where we see it ever day.  It continues to warm our hearts and make us smile.  It even helps my youngest children feel that they know her (even though Kortney was much too little to remember her, and Kiersti has never met her.)

I know this School Picture came as a tender mercy from Heaven - perfect evidence that God loves me.  In many miraculous ways such as this, my Father in Heaven has let me know He's aware of me and He knows my struggles.    It's been humbling to see His hand in the intricate details of my life.  Time and again, He has sent me signs that He knows the deepest feelings of my heart.  Time and again He has sent me comfort and strength, tailor-made to fit my needs.  For this I am grateful.  I am also thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ.  In the last few years, I've knelt and walked and stood in Holy Places - these are counted as the many times when the Lord has been at my side.  He's knelt with me in my "Gethsemanes."   He's walked with me through the valley of sorrow.  He's comforted me when I've been at my lowest, and when I've called on Him in prayer to ask for strength beyond my own.   When life knocks me to my knees, He lifts me back on my feet with His love and tender mercies.  I still don't have all the answers, and my heart still aches for Kate - but I believe He'll always see me through, and give me strength to endure.   I know His love is real, and He never leaves us to face our storms alone. 
Of this I am certain.  
  
"God is working for you tonight.  Heaven is holding conversations about you.  Angels have been assigned to you.  Be at peace." 
- unknown