Journal Entry for October 26th, 2009 Sunday
It was our annual Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting. Every year in the Fall, the Primary
children ages 3–11 sing songs and put on a program centered
around that year’s theme. Everyone looks
forward to the Primary Program. It’s
pretty sweet actually, and sometimes quite entertaining.
Picture this: A
hundred little kids (we’ve got a large Primary) trying to behave and be reverent
in the chapel while sitting up front-and-center on the stand with the Bishop. They get a little fidgety sometimes with all
eyes on them – and it’s hard not to laugh when someone messes up their lines or
yells too loudly in the microphone. The
Primary Leaders are probably the ones who sweat it the most. They just cross their fingers that everything goes smoothly. Honestly, it
doesn’t really matter what happens. The kids are cute
and it’s sweet any which way things go. It always ends up being a nice Sacrament
Meeting for everyone.
The timing of this year’s Primary Program was a little rough
for me – it’s only been a little more than two weeks since Katelyn’s
funeral… and the theme just happened to
be “Families Are Forever.” Of course, this alone put a lump in my throat. This particular Sunday may have been a good one for me to miss, but how could I when two
of my own kids were practiced and ready for their presentation? So, there I was.
Carson and Karlee started the program off, delivering their
parts about how our family will be together forever with Katelyn someday. It was all pretty bitter sweet. I’m not sure how I managed to hold
it together the whole time. I just tried to stay focused and make it about my kids who
were up on the stand. I was there to
support them, listen to the songs they had been practicing, and hear what they
had learned this year in Primary. My
job was to be their audience, to smile and be proud of the work they put into
this program. That wasn’t hard to do. Everyone did a nice job. I loved the music especially – it was beautiful. After the program was over, I praised my kids
for a job well-done.
I came home after our Sunday meetings exhausted. I sat down on the couch to rest, holding my sleeping baby Kortney in one arm and the
other rested at my side.
My mind was trying to sort
through a million fragmented thoughts, but
mostly I kept coming back to the Primary Program and the words “Families Are
Forever.” For the first time ever, I wasn’t sure how I really felt about this phrase. It’s funny
how these three simple words (which are meant to bring peace and reassurance) can
suddenly sound so cliché and cause my mind some unrest.
I kept thinking to myself: If Families are Forever… then what is this, right now? If our
family has the promise of being “Together Forever” - why are we not together with our little
girl, right now? Doesn’t FOREVER encompass all time –
including the present? Why do we have to be separated by this stupid
thing called death? It stinks that we have to wait SO long before we can be together again. Why can’t we be “Together”
with her right NOW? I didn't have all the answers, and that hurt. Yes, I was questioning God a little. Yes, I was frustrated and a little angry. (And Yes! - it's a stage of grief, and it's okay to feel it and work through it.)
I took a deep breath… and missed Katelyn… then with no warning, my body took two involuntarily deep sobs. I quickly tried to suppress my emotion
because I didn’t want to wake my baby. At that very moment, I felt an
overwhelming sense of peace and comfort - so real that it felt as though a blanket had
just been placed over me… and my free arm felt as though someone was right there
next to me, holding my hand… offering comfort.
It took me by surprise, and just as quickly as my emotions had started, they stopped.
I closed my eyes and just breathed in the peace. I didn’t dare move because I was afraid the
moment would end, and I wanted it to stay.
I didn’t want whosever presence was there to leave, so I sat as quietly
as I could, for as long as I could… grateful NOT to feel alone. I wondered if it was my little Katelyn angel there to comfort me, and let me know she wasn’t truly gone. I imagined that it was. It was nice to have such a long quiet moment to
myself when I could feel that comfort and know that she was close. I knew she would always be close... and a new understanding came to
my mind, of what “Together Forever” really means.
I smiled and whispered, “Thank you.”
Angel on my Shoulder
Scriptures and Quotes that have given me peace:
Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your
left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”
The Ministry of Angels, Jeffrey R. Holland, October general conference, 2008 -
“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never
leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face.”
"Occasionally the angelic purpose is to warn. But most often it is to comfort, to provide some form of merciful attention, guidance in difficult times."
"On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal."
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