While You Were Sleeping (September 2009)

The Strange Night Terror...

It was the end of September 2009, and the middle of the night.  I woke with a start.  Call it a bad dream.  Call it a bad feeling.   Call it whatever,  but I awoke suddenly with an incredible sense of panic that I could not shake.  I had been having a lot of anxiety the summer months prior to Kate's  passing.  But on this particular night I felt a very real concern for my children's safety, especially my girls.   I found my way downstairs to their bedroom to check on them and make sure that they were okay.  My worries were immediately put to rest when I opened their bedroom door and heard both my girls softly snoozing in their beds.  Relieved that they were both okay,  I crawled into bed next to my 2 year old, Katelyn and watched her sleep.  Moments ago I was shook up by my bad dream (or whatever it was) but now the feeling of relief was that much more.   I couldn't go directly back to my bed.  I stayed for quite some time and took it all in.  Every little detail and sign of life was miraculous to me at that moment, such as the rise and fall of her little chest as she softly inhaled and exhaled...  her beautiful eyelashes and the way they rested atop of her cheeks...  the perfectly pink color of her skin, and the warmth of her face and little body.  I touched her cheek and her forehead, thankful for that warmth and acknowledged it as a beautiful sign of life.  A sense of love and gratitude filled my heart.  Watching her I realized again what a glorious gift LIFE is, and how blessed I was to be the mother of this perfect little person.  

The thought came to me "What would I ever do if circumstances were different? What if ever her chest was still, and her skin wasn't pink and warm?"  I shuttered at the thought.  And I wondered why my mind tortured me with such a thought.   Surely there must be something wrong with me.  Why was I having such heartbreaking and disturbing anxieties?

My heart broke for the mothers who have ever gone thru such terrible things.  And I was also thankful that I wasn't one of them, dealing with such heartache.   I pushed it all out of my mind and kissed my little girl's cheeks while she lay sleeping.  I took another moment and watched my beautiful little girl sleep.   I laid my head on her little chest to listen to the beating of her heart.  I thought surely it was the most beautiful sound in all the world.  Again, I took it all in, and thanked God for this wonderful gift.  For this precious little perfect being.   And felt blessed that she was mine...  that she was alive, and happy, and safe... and here with me in my life and in our family.   Then I did the same with Karlee (my 6 year old).  I listened to her heartbeat.  I remember noting that because she was a few years older than Kate, her heart beat at a noticeably different pace - more slowly.   I thought it too had a perfect pitch and rhythm.   I kissed my Karlee's cheeks as well.   And I thanked God again.   It was a very sweet moment, one that I hadn't expected in the middle of the night.   I didn't want it to end.  I didn't want to leave their bedroom.   I didn't want to leave them alone.  I wanted to forever watch over them and keep them safe... and ensure that they were always warm and breathing, and in my presence, and in my life.  Here.  I was thankful that they were HERE.

I was also thankful for my son who slept in the bedroom next to them.  And my other baby girl (3 months old) who lay sleeping upstairs in her bed.  I remember feeling such an honor and privilege to be their mother - to been blessed to take part in the miracle of their births.   I was blessed to have four easy pregnancies and deliveries.  I was blessed to have four healthy children.  (Now 5.)  I wondered how I was so lucky, when other women I knew struggled with their pregnancies, or whose children were born with physical challenges.  I wondered why some are given such difficult tests, and others (like me) were so lucky to have things go so well.  Now, almost 8 years later,  I am convinced that no one gets through this life without some kind of difficult trial of their very own.   I don't know if it's God's plan that we have specific challenges or if He just allows us to experience whatever life brings us - but I do believe He is a loving Father in Heaven who knows that our life's experiences (good and bad) will help us grow.  And I don't believe He lets us go at it alone.  He is there to walk along side us, and even carry us through the most difficult of times.

That night...   How was I to know that in less than 2 weeks my little Katelyn would leave this life and return to her heavenly home.  There was no way of knowing.   But looking back I wonder if there was some part of me that did know, somehow, that I didn't have much time left with Kate.  This may sound strange to some, but I've wondered if maybe my spirit somehow knew.  Perhaps thats why I woke in such a state of panic and then had that beautiful experience with her, as I watched her sleep and considered every sign of life a miracle and blessing.  That night I was grateful for so many little things that I too often take for granted.   I look back on those precious moments of watching her breathe and listening to her heart beat.  It was meant to be that I took time to impress upon my mind the beauty and wonder of the Life of Kate.   


Especially today, knowing now what I didn't know then, I see that precious moment as a powerful lesson.   A reminder not to take Life for granted, because it can all change in an instant.  I try every day to find the time to LOVE, to appreciate, to thank, and to enjoy the blessings in my life,  and to notice the little things, because someday they will be the BIG THINGS.    I try to remember what really matters.  And that LIFE is a gift.  And our PURPOSE is to LOVE.  And that it is also a precious opportunity to LOVE  the Life that we are GIVEN.    I am thankful that God gave me that sweet experience with my little girl.   I'll treasure it until I can hold her again someday.