Why I Need a Savior - HE IS MY LIGHT

Light chasing away darkness

  

"The First" art by Jared Barnes

I was asked (some time ago) to share about a difficult trial and what has helped me through this particular experience.

As many already know, 7 ½ years ago we lost our little 2 year old daughter Katelyn, unexpectedly in a drowning accident.  Many things have been difficult about this – but I want to focus today on how the Savior’s light saved me from my darkest nights during that time.

For many months (close to a year) I was dealing with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the incident...  the nights being the most difficult.  At the time, I was a mother to 3 other small children who needed me.  This was a blessing as it helped to distract me from my grief during the day, as I continually tried to be "present" (emotionally) for them.  However, it was at night-time when my kids were put to bed and it was quiet when I struggled the most with my emotions.  At night, I was left alone to be with my thoughts and bad memories from that experience.  Images of my little girl, and me trying to breathe life back into her, tormented me.  I would relive the details of that nightmare over and over, and this made sleep very difficult.  There didn't seem to be any solution.  My little girl was gone and I would never have her back in this life.   No one could fix this, not me, not anybody.  For a mother's heart, there is no greater pain.  I knew I would miss her for the remainder of my days.   I knew I would hurt over the pain of losing her until the day I died.  At times the pain and hopelessness of this situation seemed overwhelming.  Every still of the night, my heart wrestled with this dark reality and the crushing weight of the adversary, who seemed to rally my doom.

I began to dread the nighttime.  I feared the darkness  - not only the sun setting, but also the shadows of my mind.   I feared it would destroy me.  At night, while everyone else slept, I was left to face this battle alone...  However, because of my faith and beliefs, I knew I wasn't really alone.   I knew there was One who was up late with me, One other who never sleeps.  I knew if anyone could help me, it was only Him - the Savior, Jesus Christ.   So when evening approached, I would plead with Him to stay by my side, and help me through another night... 

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Abide with Me; 'Tis Eventide.  The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;  The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide. 
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide.  And lone will be the night.
If I cannot commune with thee, Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear, Would in my home abide.
O Savior, stay this night with me, Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me, Behold 'tis eventide... 
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It was during this difficult time that His words spoke to my mind:

John 14:27

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.”

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and LEARN OF ME.  For I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

I needed the Peace that only the Savior could bring me.   I knew the way to receive His Peace was to come to Him, learn of Him, and be close to Him.  I needed His spirit with me, more desperately than I ever had before.  So I began studying the Savior and His Atonement every night before bed.  Not just the scriptures, but I read any book I could find about the Savior and His healing power.  I came to understand Him and the Atonement in a way I probably never would, had I not experienced my own suffering in what was like my own “Gethsemane”.  Then I realized what it really meant:  that He willingly suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for us – not only for our sins and mistakes, but there He experienced the depth of all our pains and sorrows so He could know what we are going thru and know how best to help and comfort us in our times of need.

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Abide with me;  'Tis eventide.  The walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn, As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul and kept me near thy side. 
O Savior, stay this night with me;  Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;  Behold 'tis eventide.

*Abide with Me; 'Tis Eventide, Hymn by Hofford & Millard

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There truly is something real about the Savior's love and sacrifice that dispels encircling gloom.  For me, reading, and learning about Him helped soften those painful images before bed.   So I read every night for a year, chasing away my darkness - these traumatic images began to fade.  I am sure that Time also helps to soften remembrances of traumatic events.  Thankfully, with time we start to forget.   But I know that it was because I was filling my mind with light and knowledge of the Savior - Coming unto Him - that the darkness no longer tormented me before bed.

Dieter Uchtdorf spoke in 2013 at General Conference on  “The Hope of God’s Light.”  He spoke of this true principle: Darkness cannot exist where there is light.  I want to share some of his words from this talk because I know from my own experience that this is true.

                                   

(“The Hope of God’s Light”  President Dieter Uchtdorf  April LDS General Conference, 2013)

“There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you.  You may be burdened by worry fear or doubt.  To you and to all of us I repeat a wonderful and certain truth:  God’s light is real. It is available to all. It gives life to all things.  It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound.  It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls.  In the furrows of despair it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow.  It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.  This is the spirit of Jesus Christ which gives light to every man that cometh into the world. 

As we seek to increase our love for God and strive to love our neighbor the light of the gospel will surround and uplift us. The darkness will surely fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light.  As we draw nearer to God, he will draw nearer to us.  And day by day the hope of Gods light will grow within us, brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

To those who feel they walk in darkness, I invite you rely on this certain promise spoken by the savior of mankind:

“I am the light of the world.  He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of life.”

From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by or even wrapped in darkness.   Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening and frightening.  My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and worrisome fears you may be experiencing.  Nevertheless I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ.  He is the true pure and powerful entrance into divine enlightenment.  I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed.  Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.  I bear witness that darkness cannot stand before the brilliant light of the Son of the Living God.

 I invite each of you to open your heart to him.  Seek him thru study and prayer. Learn of Him and of His Gospel.

As you walk towards the hope of God’s light you will discover the compassion love and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father, in whom there is no darkness at all.”

(end of quote)

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I know mine is not the type of trial that will ever go away completely (in this life). And there are triggers that can still take me back to that very day –  to that very moment.   But the Savior never leaves me comfortless.  He continues to bless and comfort me.

I will always miss my little girl until the day when I am reunited with her again.  I pray to be able to endure until that day.  I see the blessings that the Lord sends me every day to get me through.  The Savior brings light and comfort to all those who seek Him.  I know His Atonement stretches far beyond my own understanding,  and yet I have seen His Saving Grace in action, and I know that it is real.  I am thankful for His love and light that have blessed my life and strengthened my healing heart.  I have come to know him as my personal Savior, Redeemer and Friend.  So many gifts His sacrifice brings, including the Resurrection.  Because He died and rose again that glorious First Easter morning, we too will live again.   SHE TOO WILL LIVE AGAIN.  He overcame Death.  He is the Light and the Way.  He is the Everlasting Life.   And I know in my heart that He holds my baby girl, Katelyn, safe in His loving arms until I can be with her again.

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The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?  
By day and by nigh his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin; 
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night He leads, He leads me along.

*The Lord Is My Light, Hymn by Nicholson & Sweney
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