7 Years Later...

Today (October 3rd)  is 7 years from the day our little Kate left this life with us to return to her Heavenly home.   I remember on this night in 2009 as our family sat together and held each other tight, we felt our hearts were broken and we wondered if we'd ever feel like smiling again.  Our grief was so much the same, but all so very different.  Each of us hurt in our own way.  And each of us had to heal in our own ways.  Well, that was then... and this is now.  So how are we doing, 7 years later? 

Well, it seems we are doing okay.  My children have made great strides in finding their smiles, even while there were still tears.  They've grown up with this loss and somewhere along the way they've accepted it as “just how it is."   Still, they’ve made Kate a very special part of their lives.  In their minds and hearts she is always with them.  They see her as their sister in heaven and their guardian angel.  They still have their moments when they miss her very much, but they want to be happy and they believe she wants them Happy too.   I guess you can say our family has become adjusted to this new kind of normal.  We can never say that we’ve “Moved On” but we are “Moving Along.”

A parent never truly “gets over” losing their child.  We carry it with us, no matter how much time has passed.  My grief has become a part of me.  I am a byproduct now (7 years later) of having lost my little girl.  I see life differently.  Some things are good, and some things are more uncertain.  But one thing that I’ve finally gained that has brought me some peace and strength is ACCEPTANCE.   I have finally accepted many things – for one, I’ve accepted that I don’t have all the answers (and I never will in this life.)  For so long I searched for answers, and tormented myself trying to figure it all out.   I was reliving that day all over and over trying to make sense of it, and I put a lot of blame on myself.   But now, I have accepted that Kate’s accident happened for whatever reasons that I don’t have -  and I’ve accepted that it DID happen, though I will never stop REGRETTING that it did.  The hurt is still there, but I’ve learned to push it down.  It comes back up less and less, but when it does, it’s like it just happened and I still hurt like I did that very first day.  Thankfully it doesn’t happen as often as it once did.

I am grateful that time has helped to soften those painful memories of October 3, 2009.  Dealing with the Post Trauma of that day and losing her was so difficult that I really didn’t know if I could live through it.   I spent many nights pleading with my Father in Heaven for help and strength.   Some say time heals all wounds, but I believe it takes much more than just time.  I can honestly say that without the Savior Jesus Christ, the reality of His healing power, and also the Miracle of Forgiveness (my own)  surely I would have been sunk to the bottom's deep.   Still, I’m not sure that we can ever be completely healed from life’s greatest heartbreaks.  But I’m thankful that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, it is possible to find peace.  Also, my love, gratitude and relationship with my Savior is greater than I ever thought possible.  It's been very humbling to witness His Saving Grace.

I feel that I'm a different person than I was 7 years and a day ago.  I am a changed, less judgmental, more tolerant, more forgiving, less petty, more accepting, more content and therefore MORE HAPPY individual.  Not because I lost my little girl, but because of the things I learned through those painful times  – also as a result of the loving support  from the good people in my life, such as my family and friends, (and Savior) who were truly there for me, and walked with me through those hardest times.  Even my love for my husband has deepened and changed through all of this.  I cannot even speak of what his love, forgiveness and support has done for me in my healing.  

What else has changed?   It has become my purpose every day to seek out Peace.  I’ve had to learn NOT to “sweat the small stuff”,  and remember that “It’s mostly ALL small stuff.”  My perspective has changed.  I've learned what matters most.  And the most important things to me are my family and friends,  my TIME with them, and also my relationship with the Savior.  Life is too short to not let others know how much they mean to you.  I have felt more love in my life than I've ever felt before.  This has truly enriched my life and made me happier than I've ever been.

I do confess that in my Grief I am experiencing many mixed feelings:  I feel RELIEF that my memory of that tragic day is fading, and it’s becoming easier to bear.  However at the same time I feel FEAR that with my fading memory I will lose what I have left of Kate.  With the passing of time, I never want to forget her laugh, her spunk, her love of life and adventure.  I never want to forget how she loved people unconditionally.  Or how she squeezed her daddy so tightly around his neck.  I never want to forget her eskimo kisses, her  snuggles, her kind and sensitive heart, her playful personality, and her smile.  I am thankful to get glimpses of her in my other little girls.  And I am grateful to feel her love come over me at special moments in my day. 

I miss the every day of being her momma.   I pray that she will never forget me, although I know she doesn’t need me at this time.   I worry sometimes that I am forgetting what it was like to be “Us” – as mother and child.    I pray that my ties with her are more than what it seems right now.   At the moment, my perspective and understanding is limited, but I pray that when that sweet day of reunion comes,  everything will come back as it once was, and that we will once again be Mother and Daughter, not strangers who have lived a lifetime without each other.    It puts a lump in my throat thinking of it.  These are perhaps the biggest struggles I am dealing with in this stage of my grief, 7 years later.  Funny how the pain of grief shifts and changes over time.    Even still, I continue to hold onto what HOPE brings.  And I am so thankful that LOVE is what guides us through.  Love has no boundaries, and I hope she feels how very much her family still LOVES her, every day. 

Our family has come a long way in the last 7 years.    Now I can honestly say that we've each found our smiles once again.  Today 7 years later, thankfully the smiles are many and the tears are few. As a whole, our family is happy.   And I know that as we've found our smiles once again, our Katelyn in heaven is smiling too.