A Wedding and An Angel Among Us

I saved this post from Carson and MiKaiah’s Wedding, for today, Katelyn’s Birthday. 

My sweet new daughter-in-law Mikaiah set up a remembrance for Katelyn at the wedding, and included our angel on this special occasion. I have no doubt Kate was with us to celebrate this beautiful day with her brother Carson and MiKaiah. We are thankful for our family, on both sides of heaven and are happy to have them with us on days like this.  This was such a beautiful wedding, and a special memory for our family.  For MiKaiah to make such a sweet gesture to remember Kate, it brought tears to my eyes and warmed my heart.  These pictures of my girls with me on Carson and MiKaiah’s happy day are precious to me. ❤️  September 5, 2020

Happy Birthday Kate

My sweet girl, 

I can’t help but wonder... What would you be, 14 years old on this day?  

Would your hair be long and blond?  Would you have braces?  Would you still share your sense of humor?  Or would you be so shy?  Would you still love the outdoors? Would you be in dance? Or would your love be soccer? Would you be surfing by now behind the boat? Would you be a snow skier or would you rather be a snow boarder?  Would you still snuggle with your momma? And still ride motorcycles with your dad? Would you be your older sister’s best friend? Would you be looking out for your little sister in Middle School?  Would you be locker partners with your cousin?  Would you be close to your momma? And come to tell me about your first crush?  Would we be watching you grow into a beautiful young lady? 

There’s so many things that I wonder...  But my daughter, there are things, even after all these years, that I still know about you, and know that you would be:  

You would still be so kind. You would still be looking for adventure. You’d still be so funny, always making us laugh.  You would still be your momma’s sunshine. You’d still be your daddy’s little sidekick. You’d still give the best hugs. You would still warm my heart and I would still be so proud of you.  Even though you are not with us to celebrate your 14th birthday today, we celebrate your life and your love.   I am still so thankful that you are mine. Happy Birthday to our angel Kate. We still hold you forever in our hearts.  And you continue to BE everything to me. Love, Mom ❤️

When You're Dreaming With a Broken Heart... The Waking Up is the Hardest Part

You know the feeling you get after a terrible nightmare, and you are so relieved to wake up and realize it wasn't real?  It's a feeling of relief that washes over you and you know in that waking instant that everything is fine, everyone is safe...  It was all just a bad dream.  

When we lost our little 2 year old daughter in a drowning accident, for the first time in my life,  I was waking up to a real nightmare.  There was no relief in the waking.  My little girl was gone.  The hurt was real.  Scott and I woke up to it every morning.   Every new day started off the same, with us in tears.  I hated coming out of sleep.  I hated waking up to a world without her.  In the very instant, that pain would make me wish I could just go back to sleep and not face the world without her.  I hated that very waking moment, when I'd question what was real... and confirmed that yes, our Katelyn was really gone.

Never has a  word evoked so much pain in my heart than that one word:  GONE.  

John Mayer says it best in his song:

“When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. 
You roll out of bed, and down on your knees, 

and for a moment you can hardly breathe, 
Wondering was she really here?

Was she standing in my room?

No. She was not.
'Cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone."

I want to share a little story I hold dear to my heart.  I know I am opening myself up to possible judgement as I do this.  But I feel it's a story that others who are experiencing the intensity of grief can relate with.  And unless you have experienced grief in its full intensity, just know you cannot judge any of us who have.

There is a place between asleep and awake where on rare occasions I’ve experienced some peculiar little happenings – things of which seem so real at that very moment, but when the moment passes I am left to wonder whether it really happened or was I just dreaming?  

When Katelyn was just a toddler, I often woke up in the middle of the night or early morning, with her little face right there in front of mine.  Usually she would come in looking for her daddy.  But sometimes she'd come to my side of the bed and wait until I would lift her up into the spot between us.  That was her place, (until she got old enough to sleep downstairs with Karlee.)  It was always a good snuggle.  She'd say, "Oh mom. You bed is so cumpy."

(translation: Your bed is so comfy.)

I loved cuddling with Kate in the mornings.  It didn't happen as often after she moved down to the big-girl-bed in Karlee's room.  Still, I don't regret that decision - I am thankful Karlee had that time to bond with her little sister.

Fast forward several months later...   
It was a couple weeks after her funeral, and I was still very emotional.  Grief takes up a lot of energy - and on top of that, there's also the challenge of sleep deprivation.  Nights were my very hardest, probably because it was quiet and I was alone with my thoughts, memories, and most difficult - my flashbacks of the incident in Vegas.   I spent many nights at my bedside in prayer.   Most nights I'd cry myself to sleep.  Long nights then turned into difficult mornings.   It was good that I had to get up and care for a family,  it forced me to get back into the swing of things...  but because my nights were swallowed up in my grief and sleep was so scarce,  I always felt like I was running on "empty."   It was a challenge to keep functioning as normal.   I don't know HOW Scott found the energy to go to work every day.   At first it seemed we were just "going through the motions".    It was exhausting and I prayed for strength to get us through.  I truly needed my Savior's strength every hour of every day.  

After one very restless night,  I woke early the next morning to what seemed to be a little person at my bedside.   Coming out of sleep, it was hard to tell whether this was for real, or if I was only dreaming - and it all happened so fast.  Whatever (or whomever) it was had been watching me sleep, and I could sense a deep concern for me.  I couldn’t see a face; it was early, and the room was still dark.   All I saw was a little shadow – but I was immediately reminded of Kate.   I reached for her, but as I did, she moved.   She seemed to know she had startled me and started moving down my bedside and towards the door.  As I scrambled out of bed, she stayed just beyond my grasp and made her exit out the bedroom door to the hall.   I quickly followed, calling for her to wait, and come back.  I felt such an urgency to reach her;  I desperately wanted her to stay, but she couldn’t.  I wanted to touch her, but I couldn’t.  And then all too soon she was gone, and I was left alone in the hallway.  

“When you're dreaming with a broken heart, 
the giving up is the hardest part. 
She takes you in with those crying eyes, 
and all at once you have to say goodbye... 
Wondering can she stay - my love?  
Can she wake up by my side?

No, she cant.  'Cause she's gone...” - John Mayer

The realization that hit me after that experience (or dream) of seeing my little girl again, left me broken all over again.  My little girl was here and then she was gone.   Not just in a dream, but in real life.  And I couldn’t do anything to bring her back.  All I could do was cry.  

Scott found me and put me back to bed, all the while I was trying to explain my irrational behavior.   In my mind, it was real.   Kate had been there, just beyond my arms reach.  I almost had her.  I came so close to holding my little girl again…  Didn’t I?   She was really there... Wasn’t she?   She was concerned for me, and she came to check on her momma because she loved me.  I felt that.  Dream or not.  That was for real.

Later I found this quote that spoke to my heart, concerning this experience...

“This is the spirit world – and if our eyes could be opened we could see those who have departed from us – a father, mother, brother, sister, a child – we could see them.  And sometimes when our physical senses are asleep, sometimes our spiritual senses (we have spiritual ears and spiritual eyes)… sometimes they will be very keen and awake.   A departed one may come while we are lying asleep, and come into our consciousness.  We’ll feel an impression - we’ll wake up.  Well, where does it come from?  It comes from the spirits of whom we are sealed to.”  
- Harold B. Lee (as quoted by Jack Christianson -  "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" CD.)

I believe the spirit world is around us (not just above us somewhere in the sky.)  I believe that our loved ones are here, only in a different sphere where we cannot see them.  They are aware of us, they know our struggles and our emotions.  They love us, they pray for us, they comfort us, and they do what they can to help us.  I have had so many moments where this has been confirmed to me.  We are not alone.  We are loved. And if we could just see, we would be surprised at how much our loved ones are with us, and are actively involved in our well-being.

I know Kate is still very near me.  She is very much a part of my life.  I may not be able to see her, but I am thankful for those special moments when Heavenly Father confirms this to me, and I know it's true.  She will always be a part of me.  And in my heart.  Somehow it helps with the hurt, for me to believe that she isn't really GONE...   And someday I'll be with her again.

While You Were Sleeping (September 2009)

The Strange Night Terror...

It was the end of September 2009, and the middle of the night.  I woke with a start.  Call it a bad dream.  Call it a bad feeling.   Call it whatever,  but I awoke suddenly with an incredible sense of panic that I could not shake.  I had been having a lot of anxiety the summer months prior to Kate's  passing.  But on this particular night I felt a very real concern for my children's safety, especially my girls.   I found my way downstairs to their bedroom to check on them and make sure that they were okay.  My worries were immediately put to rest when I opened their bedroom door and heard both my girls softly snoozing in their beds.  Relieved that they were both okay,  I crawled into bed next to my 2 year old, Katelyn and watched her sleep.  Moments ago I was shook up by my bad dream (or whatever it was) but now the feeling of relief was that much more.   I couldn't go directly back to my bed.  I stayed for quite some time and took it all in.  Every little detail and sign of life was miraculous to me at that moment, such as the rise and fall of her little chest as she softly inhaled and exhaled...  her beautiful eyelashes and the way they rested atop of her cheeks...  the perfectly pink color of her skin, and the warmth of her face and little body.  I touched her cheek and her forehead, thankful for that warmth and acknowledged it as a beautiful sign of life.  A sense of love and gratitude filled my heart.  Watching her I realized again what a glorious gift LIFE is, and how blessed I was to be the mother of this perfect little person.  

The thought came to me "What would I ever do if circumstances were different? What if ever her chest was still, and her skin wasn't pink and warm?"  I shuttered at the thought.  And I wondered why my mind tortured me with such a thought.   Surely there must be something wrong with me.  Why was I having such heartbreaking and disturbing anxieties?

My heart broke for the mothers who have ever gone thru such terrible things.  And I was also thankful that I wasn't one of them, dealing with such heartache.   I pushed it all out of my mind and kissed my little girl's cheeks while she lay sleeping.  I took another moment and watched my beautiful little girl sleep.   I laid my head on her little chest to listen to the beating of her heart.  I thought surely it was the most beautiful sound in all the world.  Again, I took it all in, and thanked God for this wonderful gift.  For this precious little perfect being.   And felt blessed that she was mine...  that she was alive, and happy, and safe... and here with me in my life and in our family.   Then I did the same with Karlee (my 6 year old).  I listened to her heartbeat.  I remember noting that because she was a few years older than Kate, her heart beat at a noticeably different pace - more slowly.   I thought it too had a perfect pitch and rhythm.   I kissed my Karlee's cheeks as well.   And I thanked God again.   It was a very sweet moment, one that I hadn't expected in the middle of the night.   I didn't want it to end.  I didn't want to leave their bedroom.   I didn't want to leave them alone.  I wanted to forever watch over them and keep them safe... and ensure that they were always warm and breathing, and in my presence, and in my life.  Here.  I was thankful that they were HERE.

I was also thankful for my son who slept in the bedroom next to them.  And my other baby girl (3 months old) who lay sleeping upstairs in her bed.  I remember feeling such an honor and privilege to be their mother - to been blessed to take part in the miracle of their births.   I was blessed to have four easy pregnancies and deliveries.  I was blessed to have four healthy children.  (Now 5.)  I wondered how I was so lucky, when other women I knew struggled with their pregnancies, or whose children were born with physical challenges.  I wondered why some are given such difficult tests, and others (like me) were so lucky to have things go so well.  Now, almost 8 years later,  I am convinced that no one gets through this life without some kind of difficult trial of their very own.   I don't know if it's God's plan that we have specific challenges or if He just allows us to experience whatever life brings us - but I do believe He is a loving Father in Heaven who knows that our life's experiences (good and bad) will help us grow.  And I don't believe He lets us go at it alone.  He is there to walk along side us, and even carry us through the most difficult of times.

That night...   How was I to know that in less than 2 weeks my little Katelyn would leave this life and return to her heavenly home.  There was no way of knowing.   But looking back I wonder if there was some part of me that did know, somehow, that I didn't have much time left with Kate.  This may sound strange to some, but I've wondered if maybe my spirit somehow knew.  Perhaps thats why I woke in such a state of panic and then had that beautiful experience with her, as I watched her sleep and considered every sign of life a miracle and blessing.  That night I was grateful for so many little things that I too often take for granted.   I look back on those precious moments of watching her breathe and listening to her heart beat.  It was meant to be that I took time to impress upon my mind the beauty and wonder of the Life of Kate.   


Especially today, knowing now what I didn't know then, I see that precious moment as a powerful lesson.   A reminder not to take Life for granted, because it can all change in an instant.  I try every day to find the time to LOVE, to appreciate, to thank, and to enjoy the blessings in my life,  and to notice the little things, because someday they will be the BIG THINGS.    I try to remember what really matters.  And that LIFE is a gift.  And our PURPOSE is to LOVE.  And that it is also a precious opportunity to LOVE  the Life that we are GIVEN.    I am thankful that God gave me that sweet experience with my little girl.   I'll treasure it until I can hold her again someday.  

Why I Need a Savior - HE IS MY LIGHT

Light chasing away darkness

  

"The First" art by Jared Barnes

I was asked (some time ago) to share about a difficult trial and what has helped me through this particular experience.

As many already know, 7 ½ years ago we lost our little 2 year old daughter Katelyn, unexpectedly in a drowning accident.  Many things have been difficult about this – but I want to focus today on how the Savior’s light saved me from my darkest nights during that time.

For many months (close to a year) I was dealing with symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the incident...  the nights being the most difficult.  At the time, I was a mother to 3 other small children who needed me.  This was a blessing as it helped to distract me from my grief during the day, as I continually tried to be "present" (emotionally) for them.  However, it was at night-time when my kids were put to bed and it was quiet when I struggled the most with my emotions.  At night, I was left alone to be with my thoughts and bad memories from that experience.  Images of my little girl, and me trying to breathe life back into her, tormented me.  I would relive the details of that nightmare over and over, and this made sleep very difficult.  There didn't seem to be any solution.  My little girl was gone and I would never have her back in this life.   No one could fix this, not me, not anybody.  For a mother's heart, there is no greater pain.  I knew I would miss her for the remainder of my days.   I knew I would hurt over the pain of losing her until the day I died.  At times the pain and hopelessness of this situation seemed overwhelming.  Every still of the night, my heart wrestled with this dark reality and the crushing weight of the adversary, who seemed to rally my doom.

I began to dread the nighttime.  I feared the darkness  - not only the sun setting, but also the shadows of my mind.   I feared it would destroy me.  At night, while everyone else slept, I was left to face this battle alone...  However, because of my faith and beliefs, I knew I wasn't really alone.   I knew there was One who was up late with me, One other who never sleeps.  I knew if anyone could help me, it was only Him - the Savior, Jesus Christ.   So when evening approached, I would plead with Him to stay by my side, and help me through another night... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abide with Me; 'Tis Eventide.  The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;  The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest, Within my home abide. 
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me; Behold 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide.  And lone will be the night.
If I cannot commune with thee, Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear, Would in my home abide.
O Savior, stay this night with me, Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me, Behold 'tis eventide... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was during this difficult time that His words spoke to my mind:

John 14:27

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.”

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and LEARN OF ME.  For I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”

I needed the Peace that only the Savior could bring me.   I knew the way to receive His Peace was to come to Him, learn of Him, and be close to Him.  I needed His spirit with me, more desperately than I ever had before.  So I began studying the Savior and His Atonement every night before bed.  Not just the scriptures, but I read any book I could find about the Savior and His healing power.  I came to understand Him and the Atonement in a way I probably never would, had I not experienced my own suffering in what was like my own “Gethsemane”.  Then I realized what it really meant:  that He willingly suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for us – not only for our sins and mistakes, but there He experienced the depth of all our pains and sorrows so He could know what we are going thru and know how best to help and comfort us in our times of need.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abide with me;  'Tis eventide.  The walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn, As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul and kept me near thy side. 
O Savior, stay this night with me;  Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;  Behold 'tis eventide.

*Abide with Me; 'Tis Eventide, Hymn by Hofford & Millard

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There truly is something real about the Savior's love and sacrifice that dispels encircling gloom.  For me, reading, and learning about Him helped soften those painful images before bed.   So I read every night for a year, chasing away my darkness - these traumatic images began to fade.  I am sure that Time also helps to soften remembrances of traumatic events.  Thankfully, with time we start to forget.   But I know that it was because I was filling my mind with light and knowledge of the Savior - Coming unto Him - that the darkness no longer tormented me before bed.

Dieter Uchtdorf spoke in 2013 at General Conference on  “The Hope of God’s Light.”  He spoke of this true principle: Darkness cannot exist where there is light.  I want to share some of his words from this talk because I know from my own experience that this is true.

                                   

(“The Hope of God’s Light”  President Dieter Uchtdorf  April LDS General Conference, 2013)

“There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you.  You may be burdened by worry fear or doubt.  To you and to all of us I repeat a wonderful and certain truth:  God’s light is real. It is available to all. It gives life to all things.  It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound.  It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls.  In the furrows of despair it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow.  It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.  This is the spirit of Jesus Christ which gives light to every man that cometh into the world. 

As we seek to increase our love for God and strive to love our neighbor the light of the gospel will surround and uplift us. The darkness will surely fade because it cannot exist in the presence of light.  As we draw nearer to God, he will draw nearer to us.  And day by day the hope of Gods light will grow within us, brighter and brighter until the perfect day.

To those who feel they walk in darkness, I invite you rely on this certain promise spoken by the savior of mankind:

“I am the light of the world.  He that followeth me shall not walk in darkness but shall have the light of life.”

From time to time, our lives may seem to be touched by or even wrapped in darkness.   Sometimes the night that surrounds us will appear oppressive, disheartening and frightening.  My heart grieves for the many sorrows some of you face, for the painful loneliness and worrisome fears you may be experiencing.  Nevertheless I bear witness that our living hope is in Jesus Christ.  He is the true pure and powerful entrance into divine enlightenment.  I testify that with Christ, darkness cannot succeed.  Darkness will not gain victory over the light of Christ.  I bear witness that darkness cannot stand before the brilliant light of the Son of the Living God.

 I invite each of you to open your heart to him.  Seek him thru study and prayer. Learn of Him and of His Gospel.

As you walk towards the hope of God’s light you will discover the compassion love and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father, in whom there is no darkness at all.”

(end of quote)

__________________________________ 

I know mine is not the type of trial that will ever go away completely (in this life). And there are triggers that can still take me back to that very day –  to that very moment.   But the Savior never leaves me comfortless.  He continues to bless and comfort me.

I will always miss my little girl until the day when I am reunited with her again.  I pray to be able to endure until that day.  I see the blessings that the Lord sends me every day to get me through.  The Savior brings light and comfort to all those who seek Him.  I know His Atonement stretches far beyond my own understanding,  and yet I have seen His Saving Grace in action, and I know that it is real.  I am thankful for His love and light that have blessed my life and strengthened my healing heart.  I have come to know him as my personal Savior, Redeemer and Friend.  So many gifts His sacrifice brings, including the Resurrection.  Because He died and rose again that glorious First Easter morning, we too will live again.   SHE TOO WILL LIVE AGAIN.  He overcame Death.  He is the Light and the Way.  He is the Everlasting Life.   And I know in my heart that He holds my baby girl, Katelyn, safe in His loving arms until I can be with her again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?  
By day and by nigh his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin; 
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.
The Lord is my light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night He leads, He leads me along.

*The Lord Is My Light, Hymn by Nicholson & Sweney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sacred Resting Place

Today we went to the cemetery to do a little clean up for Katelyn's bench.  

I never imagined that a cemetery would be such a common place for my little family. For those who dont come here by necessity, it seems incomprehensible.  I used to be one of those.  I used to view the cemetery entirely different than I do now - now that we've laid to rest a little member of our family here. I regrettably admit that in my younger (more ignorant) days I used to see the cemetery as a place of  intrigue and mystery, perhaps even superstition. I remember as a teenager I used to make it a game, to walk through the cemetery at night with friends just for a good fright. Makes me sad now to think back at that.  I didn't realize how disrespectful I was being.  Not just to those mortal bodies resting here, but to their families to the brokenhearted, to the living who are separated by death from their loved ones.  

It is a shame that even one of our favorite holidays (and I love Halloween) unfortunately gets caught up in the commercialism of it all.  Reverence and respect for the Cemetery are lost in it's thrill for being "Creepy". 

Since I've lost Kate and had to lay her little body to rest here, I am uncomfortable with this depiction, and with anything that doesn't reflect the sacredness and reverence of this place.   To us, this is hallowed ground. A beautiful place.  A place of rest for our sweet girl.  But not just for us - this place represents so much.  Among so many things, these stones mark the place of a soldier's sacrifice, a final resting place for one who fought the good fight, a mother's heartbreak, a father's pride and joy, a brother's best bud, a sister's true confidante, a faithful friend, a loving sweetheart, a soul mate... A life cut short, or a life lived long - all of whom deserve our respect for enduring life's challenges and for trying to return home with honors.  Aren't we all the same? 

The interesting thing about these markers, they don't signify a person's color, or political status, education, or economic level. They don't tell whether this individual lived in a mansion on the hill, a palace, or in a cardboard box. 

The only thing these headstones depict is a name and a time - but in truth, they really represent a child of God.  Each is of great worth to Him, and each is a Prince or Princess.  By divine right - they are a son or daughter of a Heavenly King.  

It can be difficult at times to come here.  

But I'm thankful for a sweet husband who wants to care for the grounds here at Katelyn's Spot.  He's got a stronger heart than I at times.   I'm also thankful for the rest of my family who are sensitive and loving, and supportive. Springtime is a beautiful time here. It's easy to feel peace in this blessed place. I know we don't have to come here to feel close to Kate (because she's not really here, but is with us always) but its something we can do for her when we cleanup and beautify this sacred place of hers. Feeling loving rays of sunshine here today.